Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Randomize
