theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
