the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
