I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
