I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
