Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
