I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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