I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
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