Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
Randomize
