When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
