My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
