i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
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