i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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