At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
