My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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