Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
