so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
