my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize