hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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