i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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