i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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