he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
