the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
