He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Randomize
