So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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