i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Randomize
