you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
