Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
