I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Every concussion has its silver lining
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
