the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize