I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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