We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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