No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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