her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
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