im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
