Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
