Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
