Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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