Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Randomize
