Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
