omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
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