he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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