Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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