Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
