I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
porn star boner night. come get it.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize