Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
