Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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