We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
