In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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