This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
