I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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