9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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