I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
