He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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